“G-g-g-g good night mommy,” the words pierced my heart. How could my precious little girl suddenly fumble to say things she was saying clearly last week? At first it didn’t faze me, but then people started to notice and ask about her “condition.” Suddenly I felt defensive; I wanted to scream, “Nothing is wrong with her!”
A speech pathologist said it was too early to be classified as stuttering and would probably resolve itself, but my heart broke and my mind raced; “what if she does stutter? How will others see her? Can they look past the words to hear the heart behind them? Why did you do this to her, Lord? Why does she have to struggle? Why can’t it be me?”
Can you see it? Disguised as compassion, my sin festered in my mind, but as usual, my sin was clear in the eyes of my husband. As he lovingly tried to shepherd my heart by pointing to the idolatry of my children and lack of trust in God, I fought to tune him out and not blame him. After all, stuttering is hereditary, and he stuttered as a child. Clearly he was the cause of the suffering I imagined my daughter would endure, and he doesn’t even seem to care that she stutters. It seems ridiculous, but even a mother’s heart is deep with sin.
I never imagined myself to be the kind of mom that idolizes her children. Even when I was asked to write for the FBC blog as a mother of young children, I wanted to be clear that I don’t identify myself as a mom of young children, but as a Christian, then a wife, and then a mom. And yet I made her my idol.
I found myself questioning God’s goodness. Of course if you had asked me, I would have denied it. I didn’t even realize what I was doing, but when I look at the questions I asked God- it’s clear. “WHY? WHY? WHY?” translates to “You don’t know what you are doing GOD!” Here I was in the middle of a very small storm and I was questioning God’s goodness. I always envisioned myself praising God through the darkest of situations, especially when I reflect on all that He saved me from, and yet in my flesh I wasn’t thankful for this trial in my daughter’s life.
I would love to say that I’m completely rejoicing now, but it’s still a battle in my mind to glorify God in all of my thoughts and not to question HIS ways. I try to remember that surely He loves my daughter more than I do. After all, the Father sent HIS own SON to die in the place of believers, and I don’t even want my daughter to endure a stutter. WOW! We really do have a loving and trustworthy God.