DISCLAIMER #1
This is written for those at FBC.  I write out of pastoral concern as I see and hear discussion of the upcoming ‘Real Marriage’ conferences that are happening nearby.

DISCLAIMER #2
This is long; I don’t like long.  Forgive me, but it seems necessary in this case.

Why I’m Writing This

If you know me, you know that I take Php 1:15-18 seriously.  I strive to rejoice whenever the gospel is preached.  If I have concerns about motives or secondary messages, I can still rejoice that they preach the gospel.  I want to be defined by what I’m for, rather than what I’m against.  I want FBC to be known for truth and grace, rather than identified by what we oppose.

With that frame of mind, I agonized for a time regarding whether to write about ‘Real Marriage.’  In the past, I have heard Mark Driscoll be a strong advocate for the biblical gospel and not back down from core truths about Christ, the atonement and a salvation that radically transforms your life.  Additionally, he is a strong complementarian – he passionately, provokingly argues for men and women to fulfill and live out their biblical roles.  Even though many amazingly solid, biblical, practical, helpful marriage books have been published, Driscoll often speaks in such a way that challenges how you think about life and truth.  He can make a Christian consider something ‘old’ in a completely new way.  I don’t always agree with what he says, but I appreciate his passion for Christ to be manifest in men and women.

Though I’m always reading books, I rarely offer a public review of a book.  I would not publicly write about Real Marriage if I were not seeing on Facebook and hearing on Sundays about people who are planning to attend the conference from which this book is based.  So I am compelled to speak out of pastoral concern for those whom I love.

What I Think About the Book

The book has some real strengths.  Its good on roles.  Its good on friendship.  Its good on abuse and the dangers of pornography.  Its pretty good on conflict resolution.  Mark and Grace are transparent in a helpful but not dramatic way.  But, as Doug Wilson has said, the issues that bring concern are “like finding a caterpillar in your salad.  The fact that the overwhelming majority of the salad is still perfectly fine does not serve to allay your concerns. You still have words with the waiter.”

With FBC in mind, here are the main concerns that I have for our flock in regards to this book:

1) Real Marriage is NOT for those who got married with little-to-no sexual background or experiences prior to marriage, and who have remained unaffected by pornography.

The title of the book is, Real Marriage: The Truth About Sex, Friendship and Life Together.  Listing sex first is appropriate.  Do not think that you are picking up a marriage book; you are picking up a book that devotes 5 of 11 chapters to sex.  The tone and topics are not focused on maintaining romantic love and intimacy over years of marriage.  Rather the topics include pornography, sexual abuse, selfishness in sex, and a quite explicit interpretation of the Song of Solomon.  Additionally, you will find the Driscoll’s answers to questions about masturbation, what is & isn’t sodomy, sex toys, cybersex, plastic surgery and more.   [SPOILER ALERT]  In the end, the Driscolls say that most everything is permissible if both of you are willing and not enslaved.  They don’t advocate everything, but neither do they have a problem with much.

If the consumption of pornography is not a part of your marriage, then much of what’s written in the second half of the book is not healthy for you.  If you and your spouse have a good sex life now, then the counsel and explorations in Real Marriage have great potential to cause problems rather than enhancement.  Do you need to explore the paths of sin in order to be wise about sin?

We are to cling to what is pure and holy (1 Pet 1:14-16).  Scripture calls us to live different than unbelievers, even in our sexual relations (1 Thess 4:5, 4:7, Eph 4:17).  Why would I have couples give extended consideration to plastic surgery, cybersex or sex toys when they do not think on or desire them to begin with?  Some of what’s written has great potential to raise discontent and bring impure thoughts.  As Christians, we are called to think on what is true, lovely & admirable, taking our thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (Php 4:8, 2 Cor 10:5).  If pornography or other aspects of your past have caused things like role-playing and sex toys to become an issue in your marriage and sex life, then you should work to address those issues.  But why would you invite them into your or your spouse’s heart when the issue didn’t previously exist?!

2) The Driscoll’s story, from the beginning to the eventual restoration of their marriage, is staked on claims of direct revelation from God.

The Driscolls do an admirable job of telling their story and there are many displays of God’s grace and kindness to them.  Yet, were it not for ongoing direct revelation from God, there would be no marriage nor would it remain intact.  As Mark has shared before, he believes that God spoke directly to him, telling him to marry Grace, preach the Bible, train men and plant churches (8, 12).  This was while he and Grace were having premarital sex, which eventually stopped prior to their actual wedding (8-9).  After much pain and bitterness, Mark’s heart began to soften when God again spoke directly to him, telling him of his priority and need in Grace’s life (15).  Later, God would directly tell Grace what to say to Mark that would break through the hardness that existed in their relationship (25).

If you are a part of FBC, you know that our church is cessationist and are at theological odds with ongoing, direct revelation from God.  We believe that God speaks through His Word and that His Spirit leads us.  We do not see any evidence that God speaks directly to all Christians at ANY time in biblical history, and especially today as we have the complete faith, once for all revealed in Scripture, in our hands.  We understand God’s perfect will for our lives as we study and know the Bible, and as the Spirit enables us to apply those principles to our lives.

Our conviction of how we learn and apply God’s will today is completely contrary to the Driscoll’s story.  The landmarks of change in their marriage are marked by occasions of direct revelation.  If true, what they ultimately required, and what each marriage will sometimes require, is for God to speak directly to the husband and wife, telling them what they need to do. This is at odds with the authority and sufficiency of the Word of God. Hasn’t He already granted to us everything necessary for life and godliness? (2 Pet 1:3)

Even more concerning to me is the dream that Mark had in which “I saw in painful detail Grace sinning sexually during a senior trip she took after high school when we had just started dating.  It was so clear that it was like watching a film—something I cannot really explain but the kind of revelation I sometimes receive.” Mark does not explicitly say that this dream was from God, though he implies it in context and by the assertion that these revelations are ongoing during his pastoral ministry.

Throughout biblical history, Abimelech, Jacob, Laban, Joseph, Solomon, Nebuchadnezzar, Daniel and Joseph (husband of Mary) are on record as receiving dreams from God.  In the dreams of Abimilech, Laban, Solomon and Joseph, they saw and heard from God or the Angel of the Lord directly.  So that leaves us with four men in Scripture who had dream-like dreams from God.  The receiving of dreams and their interpretation are not listed as gifts in 1 Cor 12, Rom 12 or Eph 4.

To be clear, NO dream (or vision) from God that’s recorded in Scripture is so lurid and full of sin as Mark’s.  Is it possible that these dreams were from God?  Not likely.  Hebrews 1:1-2 further closes the door on that possibility.  “God, after He spoke long ago to the fathers in the prophets in many portions and in many ways, in these last days has spoken to us in His Son, whom He appointed heir of all things.”

3) Real Marriage offers an inadequate grid for evaluating issues that aren’t explicitly addressed by God’s Word.

When considering things that the Bible doesn’t explicitly address, we must examine it in light of what we do know from the Word.  In chapter 10, in fielding questions about sex, Driscoll employs a problematic three-part grid to analyze the issue.  He asks (1) is it lawful?, (2) is it helpful?, and (3) is it enslaving?

As Denny Burk argues, the context of 1 Cor 6:12 is violated when used in this manner.  Paul is not advocating the belief that all things are lawful unless explicitly condemned.  In fact, 1 Corinthians 8-10 argues that our liberties in Christ are to be subjugated for the spiritual welfare of others.  Doug Wilson adds that Driscoll’s three questions are reductionistic in a way that creates other problems. As an example:

Many Christians are against breast implants, because, the reasoning goes, we shouldn’t be playing God. But a lot of these same Christians have no trouble “playing God” by getting braces for teeth of those same daughters in question. They are messing around with what God gave them there as well, right? So that can’t be the principle — don’t play God with breast size, but straightening the teeth are fine. Or, if it is the principle, we are all on way to becoming black bumper Mennonites. But the fact that (as stated) the principle is insufficient does not mean that there are no principles that apply. But it does mean that we have to gird up the loins of our minds.

The two key failures of this “Can We ____?” chapter are that (a) the heart issue, and (b) the glory of God, are almost completely neglected in the conversation.  To follow through with the above example of breast implants and teeth straightening, the key question is, “why?”  Why do you need to feel more attractive?  What is driving your heart’s desire to be physically altered?  Similarly, will your decision for larger breasts or straighter teeth (or cybersex and sex toys, for that matter) promote the glory of God in your relationship?  Will it cause you to draw closer to God?  Or is this something you want to do for selfish reasons, to promote your own glory?  Will it help others know God more intimately?  Will it lead your spouse, your friends and/or your own heart to more strongly worship and enjoy God?  Or are you falling more in love with creation rather than the Creator?

When evaluating questions like these, we have to grapple with our heart motivation for why we want to do them.  Have we truly embraced 1 Cor 10:31?  “So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

4) Stats and sociology receive greater attention than the Bible and the Gospel.

Throughout the book, and especially when dealing with sex, statistics are used to strengthen and weight argumentation.  Psychological research, polling studies, and sociological work are the primary tools used to argue for the failure of men and women in their roles and their marriages.  (Assuming Susan Bauer did her homework, the sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox is footnoted more often than any other source.)  Scripture passages are typically footnotes, providing the support for the counsel being provided.   For example, in a sixteen page chapter on pornography, six pages speak about Scripture, while at least ten have reference to psychology and sociology.  Simply based on volume, Scripture is given lighter treatment and less relied upon.

Please don’t misunderstand me.  Scripture and the Gospel both receive ongoing and regular reference in Real Marriage.  But there is not any in-depth explanation of the Gospel and its place in friendship, conflict, or sex.  Likewise, foundational passages from Genesis (i.e., 1:27, 2:18, and 2:24) receive little-to-no treatment.  Ephesians 5 is said to be “perhaps the clearest section of the Bible on the role of husbands to lead their families and wives to respectfully submit to them” (64).  Yet in the chapters on men’s and women’s roles, there is only a single paragraph in each that considers its import and significance.

Real Marriage has some wise and practical counsel that is rooted in Scripture, but it is often explained and justified on the basis of experience and sociology.  If we believe that God changes people by means of the Word of God, then the connection between biblical truth and life application should be more explicit.  In his book on doctrine, Driscoll argues for the sufficiency and authority of the Word, but Real Marriage does not strongly convey that belief.

My Recommendation

I don’t think that reading Real Marriage will send you to hell. I think that there are some good principles in it. But, as stated before, finding a caterpillar in your salad tends to taint the whole thing. I recognize that there will be some marriages that are helped by some of what the Driscolls have written. But I will not be recommending this book to others. I would not prompt young but spiritually healthy couples to consider topics such as sex toys, breast implants, cybersex, etc. It invites the opportunity for discontentment and impure thoughts in areas that were not previously a struggle.

I will recommend other solid marriage books that prompt you to evaluate issues through a biblical grid. There are better books available that will prompt life change based on conviction and applications from Scripture, rather than by direct revelation from God and muddy decision-making.

Should You Attend the Conference?

If you were to ask me this, I’d respond with “Why do you want to go?” If you read the above, you know the major issues with the book. So why do you want to go? What’s your goal in going?

• You say, I like Driscoll and want to hear him live.
  » Watch YouTube.
• You say, I want help with our marriage.
  » I would plead with you to reconsider if this book is where you want to seek counsel. If you already bought tickets & can get a refund, use the money to buy a solid marriage book (some suggestions below) and then spend the conference day on a long date, reading and talking together.
• You say, one/both of us has a lot of questions about sex and what’s permissible.
  » Then get CJ Mahaney’s book listed below. Read and apply it. Past abuse? Get the Holcomb’s book and read through that together. Fighting porn? Get Tim Challies’ book.
• You say, I don’t care what you think we’re going anyway?!
  » Why are you still reading then? Could it be that you are simply looking for someone to approve your choice? At least read the book before you head to the conference.

Consider that Christ desires you to be cleansed “by the washing of the water with the Word,” appearing before him “without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that (you) might be holy and without blemish” (Eph 5:26-27).

Better Marriage Books

Here’s some marriage books I’d recommend instead:

General, Big-Picture

When Sinners Say I Do « Dave Harvey
Love That Lasts « Gary Ricucci
The Meaning of Marriage « Tim Keller

Issue-Specific

Sex, Romance and the Glory of God « CJ Mahaney   (sex & friendship)
Rid of My Disgrace « Justin Holcomb   (sexual assault/abuse)
The Peacemaker « Ken Sande   (conflict resolution)
Your Family, God’s Way « Wayne Mack   (communication)
The Complete Husband « Lou Priolo   (role of husband)
Feminine Appeal « Carolyn Mahaney   (role of wife)
The Treasure Principle « Randy Alcorn   (money)

What Others Have Said

There is a general consensus that the book is a mix of good and bad. The diversity mainly exists on whether the good outweighs the bad. Most reviewers seem to express similar concerns, even when coming from pretty different camps.

Tim Challies (Canadian pastor) » “Would I want to read it with my wife or would I encourage her to read it on her own? Would I recommend it to the people in my church? In both cases the answer is no. This is not to say that the book is entirely without merit; Real Marriage does have things to commend it. But in my assessment the negatives far outweigh the positives. Its disjointed nature, the way it is unhinged from the gospel, the way it evaluates sexual acts through an improper grid—in all these ways and more it inadvertently lowers marriage rather than elevates it. With so many good books on marriage available to us, I see no reason to recommend this one.”

Denny Burk (Boyce College) » “At the end of the day however, the shortcomings I have identified above keep me from giving Real Marriage an unqualified endorsement. Indeed the theological and pastoral errors of chapter 10 alone are weighty, and they are the primary reason that I would not recommend this book for marriage counseling. There are other books that have many of the strengths of Real Marriage without all the weaknesses.”

Aaron Armstrong (Gospel Coalition) » “For some readers, Real Marriage will be a challenge, either because of the frank talk about sex or the Driscolls’ traditional view of marriage. Every reader is going to take away something different—I know many who will be deeply offended by the questions of what is acceptable sexual practice, and I know others who will welcome their approach. One can always choose to ignore chapter 10 (and perhaps many should), but you would be wrong to write off the entire book. The objective good far outweighs the questionable content. Read the book carefully and with discernment.”

Eliza Jane Huie (Sovereign Grace, NANC counselor) » “As a woman there were times I felt the delivery of some of the content was bordering on crude. As a wife I am not going to pass this one on to my husband although I read many parts to him to get his thoughts. They raised similar concerns in him. As a mother of teen children (who read this blog) I will not be leaving this book around on the coffee table. As a Christian I greatly appreciate the Driscolls’ integrity to the gospel and I respect their willingness to be so honest with their struggle. I have misgivings about some of their interpretation of Scripture as well as the use of their influence to speak so unashamedly to things that just might fall under things too “shameful even to mention”.”

Doug Wilson (Reformed) » Wilson’s articles lucidly describe some of the danger with the Driscolls’ evaluative grid. Of particular note are the last three, each of which is worth reading in full.

• Some Preliminary Thoughts on Real Marriage
• Preliminary Thoughts on Real Marriage, part dos
• Sexual Dirt and a Gospel Backhoe
• Dinner for Two at Angelos
• Sexual Obedience Outside Scripture

Other Reviewers » Yes, I know there are more reviews out there. I debated on including them. I decided that the above was a sufficient representative sampling.

The way he does this is not by extolling the virtues that can be practiced in business, but by explaining how the attributes of business itself can glorify God. He has a list of these attributes:

1. Ownership
2. Productivity
3. Employment
4. Commercial transactions (buying and selling)
5. Profit
6. Money
7. Inequality of possessions
8. Competition
9. Borrowing and lending

Grudem devotes an entire chapter to each of these practices and explains why each is a biblical concept that mimics God’s character and/or provides an opportunity to help others, thus bringing glory to God. At the end of each chapter, he also explains how the sin in this world has corrupted all of these, which is perhaps why people, especially Christians, can have such a negative view of business.

I appreciated Grudem’s abundant use of Scripture throughout the book. Some of the Scriptures that he cites often are Genesis 1:28 (specifically God’s call for us to subdue and have dominion over the earth), 1 John 3:17 and the Parable of the Minas from Matthew 25 and Luke 19. His use of the Word is quite extensive, quoting verses and passages from 36 books of the Bible.

One of his most interesting points to me was about God creating in us a need for the service of others in our lives. In his chapters on Productivity and Commercial Transactions, Grudem points out that our need for one another in business gives us the encouragement to love and care for people we may otherwise act hostile towards simply because of a difference of personality (pg. 27, 37-38).

Overall, this book would be good both for those who are in the trenches of the business world daily and even those who aren’t (like me). This book helped me understand business as a means to glorify God and also inspired me to encourage my husband in new ways as he heads into the business world every day.  “Business for the Glory of God” is also relatively short in length, making it great for a weekend read or an airplane ride.

Crazy Love by Francis Chan

The God of the universe is crazy about you! His love is the most powerful thing in the world and He wants to give it to you, so you can live for Him. If you have made a commitment to follow Christ, then listen to Crazy Love to be reminded and challenged in your walk. Sharing from his own life struggles and sacrifices, author Francis Chan issues a call for selfless, Christ-like living. Let the love you have received from God impact your life like never before. Foreword by Chris Tomlin.

Simply add the download format of Crazy Love to your cart and enter the coupon code JUL2009 when prompted during checkout.

Discount Price for July: $0.00
Download List Price: $13.99
Coupon Code: JUL2009

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“The first order of business is to know the gospel.  This seems so obvious that stating it can feel silly.  But, in point of fact, many professing and believing Christians possess a shallow understanding of the gospel as a result of years of hearing short “gospel presentations” tacked onto the ends of sermons.  Still others who know the message of Christ find themselves feeling awkward and incapable of sharing the good news clearly with family and friends.  Taking steps to be sure we know the gospel with some clarity and depth, then, is necessary.

It’s helpful to rule out some ideas frequently presented as the gospel.  The gospel is not simply that (a) we are okay, (b) that God is love, (c) that Jesus wants to be our friends, or (d) that we should live right.  Neither is the gospel simply that all our problems will be fixed if we follow Jesus, or that God wants us to be healthy, wealthy, and wise.  All of these ideas may be true in some sense, but only in a partial sense and never as a solely sufficient statement of what the gospel is.

The gospel of Jesus Christ is literally “good news.”  As news it contains statement of fact and truths derived from those facts.  As good news the gospel holds out hope based upon promises of God and grounded in the historical facts and truths that vindicate those promises.

The gospel or good news of Jesus Christ is that God the Father, who is holy and righteous in all his ways, is angry with sinners and will punish sin.  Man, who disobeys the rule of God, is alienated from the love of God and is in danger of an eternal and agonizing condemnation at the hands of God.  But God, who is also rich in mercy, because of his great love, sent his eternal Son born by the Virgin Mary, to die as a ransom and a substitute for the sins of rebellious people.  And now, through the perfect obedience of the Son of God and his willing death on the cross as a payment for our sins, all who repent and believe in Jesus Christ, following him as Savior and Lord, will be saved from the wrath of God to come, be declared just in his sight, have eternal life, and receive the Spirit of God as a foretaste of the glories of heaven with God himself.

It is this message — briefly stated here — that we must imbibe and delight in if we are to be healthy church members.”

– Thabiti Anyabwile, What is a Healthy Church Member?, p.40-41

The
Jesus Storybook Bible has forty-six Bible stories that span Genesis to
Revelation. The artwork is really good and this is at the top of my ‘buy
for my daughter’ list. And if you’re interested, know that sample
pages (pdf) are available to preview. Also, Sally was interviewed in
the spring of 2007 about this book. The
interview and her comments in the discussion that followed were
great…makes me more excited to read the book!

I just finished "Einstein: His Life and Universe" by Walter Isaacson. I highly recommend it. Einstein was such a fascinating person.

On
the one hand he was an amazing example of God’s common grace (the grace
that God extends to even to people who deny Him). I was blown away when
I found out that Einstein didn’t really do experiments or even much in
the way of mathematics to make his major discoveries. Rather, he did
"thought experiments" in which he just imagined what might happen in
certain situation. For example he would say to himself, "suppose there
was a train traveling at the speed of light towards an observer and
there is a light beam emitting from the train…." and then he would
imagine how that light beam would appear to the observer. He just
thought out his major discovers! Other scientists would then come along
and verify that his discoveries were true. Einstein had a strange
intuition about how completely unseen things in the universe worked. I
wonder is this might be a small glimpse of how the human mind may have
worked before the Fall and the noetic effects of sin clouded our
thinking.

On the other hand the effects of
the Fall were very evident in his personal life. His relationship with
women was cruel and lacked commitment. His first wife became pregnant
and had their first child before they were married. He was still slow
to marry her and agreed to do so only if she would find a way to get
rid of their child (we don’t know what happened to their daughter,
adoption is assumed). Later he leaves his first wife because of the
affair he is having with his cousin. He then marries his cousin, who he
neglects and cheats on. Einstein found the idea of a personal, knowable
God intolerable (no doubt because he would then have to come to terms
with his accountability before God for his sin).

In
"Einstein: His Life and Universe we see that Einstein was a genius in
his understanding of his universe but sadly was totally lost when it
came to his life. And this is the way man is (without a relationship of
trust with God), a wonderful image-bearer of the living God yet
strangely marred by a heart to deny the One who made him and loves him.
It would be great if you could read this book and see both sides of
Einstein, but it would be even better is you took some time to really
see not only the lostness but also the image of God in you nonbelieving
friends and family. It will be by seeing both that you will have the
love and respect for them to take a risk and share your hope with them.

Tullian Tchividjian’s forthcoming book, Do I Know God? Finding Certainty in Life’s Most Important Relationship, published by Multnomah and due out at the end of August should help with that.  Here are the endorsements:

 “Warm,
fresh, and helpful, Tullian’s insightful answer to the question ‘Do I
know God?’ will be a guide and encouragement to many.”—Os Guinness 

“With
wisdom, grace, and transparency, Tullian helps clear the sometimes
uncertain path of knowing and following after God. I am thrilled to
endorse this thoughtful work and trust you will find it equally
engaging and helpful.”—Ravi Zacharias

“Many
people are confused today as to whether we can truly know God. Is it
possible to actually have a relationship with the Creator of the
universe? This book by my former student Tullian Tchividjian makes it
clear that we can have such certainty and how that certainty is
possible. It is thoroughly biblical, well balanced, excellently stated
and illustrated. May God use Tullian’s volume to bring many to the
wonderful assurance that God loves them in Jesus Christ.”—John Frame 

“Tullian
has written a good, simple, solid book on a crucial subject. Tullian
wants you to know God and to know that you know God. Do you know God?
This book can help you answer that most important of all questions.
What better reason is there to spend money on buying a book—or time on
reading it?”—Mark Dever

“This
is a warm, personal book about assurance, about how we can know we have
been redeemed by Christ. It is written with pastoral wisdom for a
church often afflicted by deep currents of uncertainty and sometimes by
faltering discipleship. It speaks to our time with biblical
fidelity.”—David Wells 

“To know
that you know God and God knows you is life’s greatest source of peace,
joy, and strength for the journey. Tullian takes strugglers by the hand
and leads them with sure steps toward this certainty. Here is a book to
be trusted and treasured.”—J.I. Packer

“My
prayer for you, the reader, is that you will listen carefully to what
my grandson says here. Apart from the Bible, this may be the most
important book you could ever read, because it will help you answer the
most important question you could ever ask: Do I know God”—Bill Graham
(from the foreword)

No limits, so tell others!